oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
