Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
