Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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