Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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