It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
