She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
