i jhust puked up my retainher.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
lol hangovers are for mortals.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
