My nipple is on Facebook.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
home. puking in laundry basket.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
