opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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