are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
did you just send me my own nude
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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