My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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