dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
