When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
