Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
