Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
