Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
