I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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