Moan for me like Helen Keller
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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