my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
