Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
