My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
