dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
barbara walters just said penis...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
