i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
