Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
