well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
