so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
