oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
