Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
