A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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