Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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