And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
