did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
