i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
