I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
