That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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