Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
