Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
