Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
