Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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