So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
