Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
