just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
