I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
