If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
