I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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