The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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