I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
