I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
