So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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