I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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