dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
