my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
