Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
