insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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