WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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